"Phantasmic" is a song from the Every Ape and His Brother collection Morbid! The Horrendous Hobo!!!. It is a parody of Jaci Velasquez's song "Baptize Me" off her album Heavenly Place.


This song was written as a response to the fact that the Jaci's pronunciation of "baptize me" sounds a little like "phantasmic" on the CD. Instead of a song about spiritual renewal, the parody is about a fictitious brand of commercial hair removal spray; and it plays through like a lengthy TV ad for the spray.



The idea for the word "Phantasmic" originated in 1997, around the time that the Dozerfleet founder first heard the song from Heavenly Place. After that, the idea lay latent until the autumn of 2006, when it was developed further into a song and was submitted to AmIRight's website. After that, the song was then submitted to DozerfleetWiki 1 first as an article on February 12th of 2007 at 5:19 PM EST.[1]


Out of 70 views, the page has so far received only one vote at AmIRight, of all 5's. According to username TJC, it was a well-written "commercial." [2]


* * *The following is a list of lyrics to a song. * * *


[Instrumental opening]

First verseEdit

Does your back have its own mane? /
Are you hairy and insane? /

Do you yearn for hair-free-ness? /
Does your fur cause much distress? /

Try our spray/ and heal your soul! /
Rub it in, / your hair will go! /
You will feel,/ so,/ whole.../


Takes it all away! /
With a single spray! /
See it all erased! /

Armpits will confess, /
As will your clean chest! /
End your hairiness! /


Second verseEdit

Press it down, / believe your sight! /
It will end your furry plight! /

Now your chin / you at last see! /
No more lady beards, yippee! /

Let the truth then warm your heart! /
You can have a bald new start! /

It's a work / of / art! /

[Repeat Chorus x 2, echoes on second repeat]

Spoken disclaimerEdit

User discretion is advised, as this product is not for everyone.
If you have problems with your liver, consult a doctor before use.
Avoid contact with eyes. Do not ingest.

If you accidentally swallow, call the Poison Control Center immediately.

Behold, your unwanted hair is gone!
This could change the world!

[Repeat Chorus x 2, echoes on second and third repeats]


Takes it all away! /
Only takes a spray! /

Now it's all erased!/
Good to go! /

Phantasmic! / Phantasmic! / Phantasmic.../

Lyrics © 2006 Dozerfleet Records.


  1. "History Page for Article Phantasmic." DozerfleetWiki 1. Dozerfleet Productions. February 11th, 2007. 5:19 PM EST.
  2. TJC. "Nice write!" (comment). "The Only Resort." AmIRight. October 3rd, 2006.
Morbid! The Horrendous Hobo!!! (2007)
# Title
1 The Only Resort
2 Why She Said "Seven Days"
3 Phantasmic
4 Doughboy
5 Ridiculous
6 Lower!!!
7 They'll Claw You Open
8 The Hundred-Acre Woodland Massacre
9 This Feels Obscene, It's an Earthquake
10 Let the Elements Shine Down

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