Agent Lloyd Kolumn is a villain in The Gerosha Chronicles of Dozerfleet Comics. He was canon to Classic and Comprehensive Geroshas, but was written out for Cataclysmic Gerosha. As such, he does not appear in Sodality. He did, however, appear in Ciem 2 and Ciem 3. He was also to appear in Ciem: Nuclear Crisis and Ciem: Condemnation, before those stories were canceled. He is an enemy of Ciem, Emeraldon, Mukade, Meerkat, Delusia, and Miriam Flippo.
Ciem 2 / Nuclear Crisis
Word slips to Kolumn, an Arfaas sympathizer from the very get-go, that China has mastered the art of exploiting nin-chyo radiation. It has confined its supply of the substance into the Ming-Yo and Ming-Cho capsules, and plans to keep it stored in case they ever have need of it. However, a terrorist faction within China called the Mik-Non has also taken an interest in the projects. To keep China from posing a threat, the CIA sends agents Vienna Dockler and Betty Harmin to steal these "blue rocks." Vienna has stolen the Ming-Yo and Betty the Ming-Cho, and the two girls are in different parts of southern Indiana hiding with their loot. Kolumn seizes the opportunity to win favor with Arfaas. He reveals that a team of his which includes Melvin Markus may have located the whereabouts of Miriam Flippo. All that is needed is to frame her Sniperbadger online persona for the Hebbleskin Gang's espionage in China, and then they'd be guaranteed that nearly the whole world would be out to snuff Miriam. In the mean time, Kolumn uses his position of authority to ensure that Vienna is hiding in Evansville.
An inquisitive Andrew Tinsel, however, discovers that his boss Kolumn is a traitor working for Arfass. He copies for himself immense amounts of incriminating evidence of the plot against Miriam Flippo also. This compels Tinsel to quit his job suddenly and without explanation. Kolumn immediately suspects that Tinsel knows about his ties to Arfaas, and sends in a team of Meethlite assassins with military-grade equipment to take out Tinsel and his entire family. They manage to murder Andrew's wife, Maggie Tinsel. However, Andrew is too smart for the trap set for him at home and escapes the house with his life and several dead Meethlites. He flees with young Sandy Tinsel to Evansville, hoping he can make the right connections in time to get Darius' support.
Kolumn ups the ante, however, sending even more Meethlites and one liaison to them into downtown Evansville to watch Andrew's every move. They finally discover that he and his daughter Sandy are aboard a bus trying to appear inconspicuous. Kolumn's methods of tracking and targeting victims prove to be far more effective than Arfaas', and a trap is set so that a Meethlite with a bazooka can blow up the bus when it turns a corner. Intervention by Ciem results in the Tinsels' rescue and escape into the home of an elderly woman named Betsy Milston. The Tinsels give Ciem a USB drive containing copies of the incriminating evidence against Kolumn. Candi goes home to sleep on it; but is awakened by a terrible nightmare.
Miriam, Steve, and Andrew prove to be Kolumn's undoing. Steve finds out what the Hebbleskins are up to; and gets Chinese intelligence to focus more closely on the Hebbleskins. Miriam takes Andrew's USB drive data and uses it to hack several databases, deleting all the work done to frame her and correctly implicating Kolumn and Arfaas for everything. This results in Kolumn having to hop into a helicopter and fly away to safety with Arfaas as his former agency begins a hot pursuit of him. Realizing that Ciem lives in the area around Evansville somewhere, he vows to destroy her and her loved ones.
Ciem 3 / Ciem: Condemnation
Following Arfaas' death, Kolumn becomes one of several candidates to replace him. He feels the need to prove himself, however. He manages this by rounding up Marlquaanites and Phexos into a prison facility that the Hebbleksins built along the side of a coastline cliff in California. One edge of it was built into the cliff side, with the other end a rectangular metallic tube jutting out into the sea. Kolumn had decided he would capture Ciem and a few other enemies, behead some of them, and then drown all the rest by flooding his own facility.
With a little help from Delusia however, Candi is able to survive her execution and help the other captives escape. Delusia traps Kolumn and others in the execution room, then makes the illusion of decapitated Candi disappear. Kolumn's prior mad ecstasy at utter victory over one of Shalia's daughters turns to blubbering panic; himself and the execution crew trapped in the room and left to drown. He all the while completely ignores the fact that Dolly Malestrom has attacked on the surface and gone on a killing spree against Kolumn's loyalists. He dies still believing that Candi is the "liPo" of prophecy; never learning the truth that it was Dolly all along.
Kolumn begins as an arrogant mole within the NSA, abusing his position to gain intelligence for Arfaas to aid the Hebbleskin Gang in plotting attacks on cities. Some other moles in cohorts with him are even able to manipulate the CIA, giving the Hebbleskins access to useful international insights. Kolumn had been around performing these duties since before Candi left Gerosha. However, he was revealed rather quickly in September of 2023 when he underestimated Steve McLaine and Miriam Flippo's resolve.
Being exposed led to his partners from within being exposed and forcibly removed, some even convicted of treason. Kolumn's increased loyalty to Arfaas and dependence for survival led to him becoming both bitter and a tad unhinged. His mental and emotional health started declining from the moment he fled in his helicopter. His sadistic side began to take over; and he reveled in the torturing and executing of female prisoners. He set his sights on capturing Ciem when Arfaas reveals that to be his second-top priority right after finding out who the Gifted Flippo is. It is not long after Afaas' death that Kolumn deduces it to be Candi. He uses his training at the NSA to do what Arfaas couldn't—directly pinpoint Candi's location and lifestyle. He sends in Milp to create a diversion, while he sets the real trap for Ciem. Believing himself successful at Candi's execution creates an exhilaration that wipes out the last ounce of sanity in him; and he is reduced to a blubbering idiot.
Ideas for creating Lloyd Kolumn as a character came around 2007-2008. It seemed very odd that in the Gerosha Prime version of Ciem 2, Arfaas was able to frame Miriam all by himself. An inside government connection had to explain how it worked, even if minimally. It would also show how Arfaas infiltrates societies and puts his loyalists in charge.
Mercury Rising influence
It was around that time that the Dozerfleet founder rented Mercury Rising from Family Video in Big Rapids. So compelling and convincing was Alec Baldwin in his role as Nicholas Kudrow in that movie, that it only seemed logical to include a tribute/parody in Ciem 2. The name "Kolumn" is thus a deliberate misspelling of "column," the opposite in a database table from a row (as in Kudrow.) Far from being a patriotic extremist in Kudrow's sense, Kolumn tends to be as corrupt as possible.
The parody element is made even more deliberate; in that Kolumn attempts to assassinate the Tinsels for knowing too much in the exact same way that Kudrow orders the Lynch family to be killed. However, he fails to murder Andrew Tinsel—the only one he would have had any need to assassinate. Andrew hides on a bus (rather than the train Bruce Willis' character tried to hide on), with his (very much non-autistic) daughter Sandy. And while Kudrow is willing to send a nigh-invulnerable giant hitman to make sure only intended targets are killed, Kolumn seems to delight in causing as much collateral damage as possible by sending in Meethlites with RPG launchers.
Exile from canon
The in-jokes of his being a parody of Kudrow wore thin, and his overall role no longer made sense in the Sodality timeline. Therefore, Kolumn is not returning.
Obsolete Gerosha Continuity
| Main projects
The Battle for Gerosha (2005 version)
Ciem (2005 version)
Ciem 2 (2005 version)
| Tie-in projects
| Main projects
Ciem (2007 version)
Ciem 2 (2009 version)
Ciem 3 (2009 version)
Blood Over Water (2009 version)
| Tie-in projects
| Meshalutian Continuity
|| Ciem Continuity