Kelsea Linney is a villain in Ciem. She is an enemy of Denny Levens, and will stop at nothing to ruin his life (or end it.) She is based on a real-life evil hairstylist that the Dozerfleet founder knew in Big Rapids.

Character bioEdit

Kelsea Linney got her start as a petty identity thief, scamming the elderly and pickpocketing debit cards from her victims. She had a boyfriend and partner in crime once, who got her pregnant one year while watching a March Madness basketball game. However, he suddenly died in a car accident right around the time that she learned she was pregnant. This hardened her, making her willing to commit increasingly bold crimes that could put her at greater risk of getting caught. She joined forces with the Hebbleskin Gang around that time as well, giving her some protection from the authorities.

Of all the assignments that caught her attention, she was most interested in Arfaas' case files on Denny Levens. She seized the opportunity, her son now being four years old, and stole Denny's debit card when his back was turned. This turned out to be a mistake, as Denny was immediately aware it was stolen and reported it without hesitation. Kelsea, upon failure to make a withdrawal after only an hour since the theft, grew enraged that Denny was too clever. His and Candi's detective skills resulted in Kelsea being identified right away. However, the police were slowly being integrated into the Hebbleskin Gang due to Merle Hourvitz being one of Arfaas' most loyal disciples.

She tried to allege that Denny was stalking her in order to further take the heat off herself; but the case went nowhere due to lack of evidence. This enraged Kelsea even further. She vowed that one way or another, Denny had to die. She also decided that it had to be in the most violent way imaginable. And if his meddling wife Candi went down with him...all the better! Her strategy involved planting a massive bomb to the side of Denny's house early in the morning while he was asleep, tricking her four-year-old son into helping her out. She decided not to wait until Arfaas got around to sending Musaran to kill the Levenses, unaware that Musaran had been sent to carry out the assassination not but a few minutes earlier than when she planned to carry out her plan.

As a result, Musaran didn't recognize her. He caused her to swerve off the road. Realizing that she could lose her chance to kill Denny forever if she didn't act, she activated the bomb while still in her car; and drove straight into the side of Denny's house as the bomb went off. Kelsea and her son were instantly killed, as the house was reduced to a crater. Denny was already dead, due to Musaran. Candi managed to survive, pulling herself from under the rubble and going into labor.


Kelsea is described as being angry, cruel, manipulative, determined, and malicious. She is a creature with nothing but hatred, who inspires hatred in others. He obstinate stand on destroying everything Denny Levens stands for drives to to the brink of being nothing short of contemptible in every sense of the word.


The here-unnamed-for-legal-reasons inspiration for Kelsea Linney pulled a severe act of betrayal on the Dozerfleet founder, resulting in more than just her cameo in Ciem being transformed from the relatively benign Liz Keln into a heartless suicide bomber. Her influence can also be felt in at least three songs by Every Ape and His Brother. When she and the Dozerfleet founder were still friends, her needs for a chemistry class assignment resulted in the Dozerfleet founder songwriting for her to get extra credit. That song offered to her became "Let the Elements Shine Down," set to the tune of "Shine" by Collective Soul.

Ultimately, she was denied extra credit by her professor, since she herself didn't come up with the lyrics even though she'd acquired permission to use them. After her betrayal of the Dozerfleet founder, she also inspired the Every Ape song "Slaughterized." This song, set to Paralyzer by Finger Eleven, took the Dozerfleet founder's personal feelings about her actions; and reinterpreted them as literal acts of violence of the sort that a serial killer might commit—if part of the MO were to stuff victims in freezers. This in-turn was followed up with "Die Die Die!!!," a revenge song set to the tune of 'NSync's "Bye Bye Bye" that explicitly mentions her involvement in chemistry classes at Ferris. While "Elements" became the final song on Morbid, the latter two became songs on Elefante Elegante Interesante Importante.

See alsoEdit

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